Dear Mr. Trump,
As a native-born (whatever that means) white American who happens to be a lefty sort of Southerner, I’m writing to thank you so, so much for your key role in America’s quest for self-improvement. If it weren’t for you and your blustering buffoonery and all the people who have flocked to you, I really think it’d be another four or, my heavens, eight years before we’d have to face the god-awful truth about ourselves.
If ever, actually.
You’ve come along at a perfect time—things have gotten so heated lately!
First off, I think we can agree that America is a sucker for a rich white man in a suit, and boy do you have that one wrapped up.
People really do listen to you, don’t they?
That billionaire celebrity thing is super-effective, so high-five on that one!
It’s also brilliant the way you had every single news outlet in the the country just falling all over you when you set out to be the POTUS. So, so impressive! I think you really scored—you couldn’t have made it this far without them.
So that, too, is a good reason to say Thanks. I just don’t think we all knew our media outlets were all so money-grabby, but now we do!
Okay, so you know how we Americans try so hard to feel good about ourselves, right? Well now, thanks to you, we don’t have to hide our faults anymore.
I mean, we’re completely exposed now.
It’s really freeing, you know?
We can finally stop pretending we’re working super hard on our racism problem, for one thing.
We were hiding behind our everything’s-fine facade like the addicts we are, saying things like, “Let’s just change things a little bit at a time—incrementally!” But really, we haven’t been dealing with stuff that doesn’t much affect you and me white folks, if you know what I mean.
But dayum, I think we can both see that people of color in this country are getting tired of waiting around for white folks to wrap their heads around equality.
Seriously, if it weren’t for you, we could go on pretending that Trayvon Martin and Freddie Gray and Sandra Bland and that little kid on the playground with the toy gun all had it coming, and that black people just exaggerate things.
It’s like you poured Miracle-Gro all over our deepest, darkest secrets and made them come up like big, unstoppable, embarrassing racist beanstalks.
You seriously deserve a prize, but this letter of thanks is more meaningful than any trophy or engraved watch you could buy for yourself, Mr. Trump because this letter comes from the heart.
- We’ve got anger and violence problems… Poof, they’re super obvious now!
- We’re racists… Poof, no hiding that anymore!
- We’re xenophobic assholes piling onto a muslim-bashing, immigrant-blaming bandwagon … Poof, no more pretending we’re Ellis Island!
Seriously, man, the whole Republican party is really pissed at you for letting the cat out of the bag on all this, but I think they should thank you!
I mean, look what’s happened—white people coming out of the woodwork, saying, “Yep, everything that’s wrong in this whole country is someone else’s fault, ’cause it sure as hell isn’t us white folks causing problems in America.”
Now, to be honest, we’re at a crossroads, which means we might not go with you over to the dark side.
We might not elect you—a man who shows all the signs of being an old-school dictator sort of fellow—as our President. I’m just being honest with you, okay?
Now if we do elect you, let’s go ahead and admit you could very well be the last President we ever elect. And I know how you are—you wouldn’t fall for the old We’re sorry, we didn’t mean it, we take it back crap. Tough love is your schtick!
We in the United States would go down in history as yet another nation to succumb to nationalistic, blame-someone-else-for-everything mob mentality. The world is full of stories like this—of short-sighted nations that have fallen for an up-and-coming dictator, or something like that, in the heat of their insecurities.
We could be like Europe with its centuries of this stuff!
We could vote you into office and then turn out to be like post-WWII Germany or Japan and get ourselves cut off at the knees due to our awful behavior to the rest of the world! After all, these things happen—that’s history for you!
So I gotta hand it to you, Mr. Trump, you really know how to play the fear card.
I just sincerely want to thank you for getting our national heart rate up.
So many Americans are paying attention now!
It’s amazing! Young people, lefties like me, leftover hippies, and those crazy environmentalists are just so excited now (not quite the right word, but you get my drift).
You’ve even turned a bunch of veterans and old people away from the Republican Party. Remarkable! Thanks!
I have to say, it took a whack-job like you (no offense) to bring so many of our ugly warts (no offense to warts) into the light of day, and I really do thank you.
I underestimated you at first, and I apologize.
I was sure there wasn’t enough political Viagra to keep you interested in politics, but now I’ll be the first to admit, you’ve done a helluva job out there exposing us and our absurdly over-fattened capitalistic, blame-y, violent, racist, and entitled (don’t you just love that word?) society. Talk about tough love—we really needed to know this stuff.
I do have one question before I go, if you wouldn’t mind getting back to me on this: Have you been contributing to Hillary Clinton‘s campaign? The reason I ask, is because it seems like something you’d do—you’re clever with money like that.
And with your new-and-improved “reasonable” persona, I’m kind of thinking you’re planning to whoop up on her, come November… and something tells me you don’t plan to be a gentleman!
It’s just that you seem to either know Bernie Sanders isn’t going to be running against you, or like everyone else, you don’t know what the hell that man will do next. He’s a wild card, that one.
Anyway, I know you’re a busy man, so I’ll let you go.
Just keep in mind, we might not choose you in November. I know you’ve got your heart set on being all-powerful, but you’ll still have your billions and your supermodel wife and all those buildings with your name on them.
Just know that you’ve served your country like nothing we’ve ever seen—
And no one can take that away from you, Donald.
But just to sum up, thank you for exposing the stuff we Americans were trying to ignore, and thank you for getting people riled up and hella involved like never before. Honestly, we wouldn’t be where we are today without you.
Oh, and I do want to hand it to you for not cheating to make it this far. You’ve done this purely by showing your ass and doing your own thing, and wow-o-wow, do we love to gawk at jackasses and show-offs.
So bravo, and thank you!
Your appreciative, astounded, and scared-shitless fellow American,
Citizen Coco from The Shiny Butter Blog
p.s. As POTUS, you would put an end to gray-haired Presidents! Very cool trick indeed!