Jun 142012
 
The Shiny Butter Blog

It’s yard sale time and that means crap is all over the house.

OMG.

Before I started going through everything in sight I thought, “I’m gonna have to cancel this- I don’t have enough stuff.”  Now I’m to the point of, “Oh no, I need another week.”

But it’s too late.  The ad is in the paper.  People are coming over at 7 AM on Saturday, so I might as well get up at the crack of dark and drag my crap out into the yard.

I’ve got piles and piles and now, but for clearing off one more piece of furniture (a dusty and overloaded Ikea desk), it’s time to price it all.

Oh joy.

I know you won’t have a bit of trouble believing that I have a nice full glass of wine to accompany my masking tape and Sharpee.  I guess my evening is pretty much set now.

So now we’ve had a yard sale related accident (not counting my broken nail), which you can expect when working furiously- workplace safety is always the first thing to go when you’re rushing.

Here’s what happened:

I was rifling through a kitchen drawer looking for good yard sale material and ran across this (harmless) Pampered Chef Nylon Knife and thought, “Well, I’ve never used that” so I grabbed it for the cause.  But it was already involved in an ugly brawl with the Pampered Chef Julienne Peeler, which has teeth on it like a bear trap.

The Julienne Peeler was clearly winning.

I tried in utter vain to separate the two but they were going at it head to head, with the Nylon Knife putting up a valient fight, though remember I told you it is harmless and so you can see by the picture how things are turning out for the knife.

Naturally, I got my college student involved.

He’s smart.

But we all know the dangers of getting in the middle of a domestic dispute, so yep, you guessed it, I basically set him up.

He sustained a nasty thumb injury due to the bear-trap teeth of the brutal Julienne Peeler and is feeling all kinds of inconvenienced trying to just function in general, but he is especially disabled when working on his jewelry making, which has him aggravated to no end.

As a result of the injury, we’ve decided to leave the star-crossed lovers alone to work it out between them before the whole thing turns into a household bloodbath.  I don’t know what will happen to them without our help.

Meanwhile, with my wine, masking tape, and a Sharpee in hand, I’m ready to price this stuff to go.  All I could possibly need now is some Duct Tape, a can of WD40, and a tube of Super Glue, and I’ll be ready for anything else this yard sale throws at me.

Except I can’t handle any more gadget-on-gadget violence.

That’s simply where I draw the line from now on- and I really don’t think I’m being unreasonable here.

 

 

Unrelated P.S:  As of the day I’m writing this, if you Google “wearing a grass skirt and thong,” you will find The Shiny Butter Blog on the first page of Google- how about that?!?

 

 

 Posted by on June 14, 2012 14 Responses »
Jun 122012
 
The Shiny Butter Blog

With my internet out, I might normally kick back and read, but this last time I started cleaning everything in sight- including the windows.

I know, I couldn’t believe it either.

I dusted, I swept and vacuumed, I cleaned the toilet, I washed the dishes, and I cleaned every window I could reach.  And finally, I cleaned the front porch windows by my desk- and believe me when I tell you, the difference was dramatic.

(All this cleanliness and clarity got me to thinking in metaphors, but for your benefit and mine, I’ll ltake another course here.)

So while I was standing on a stool spraying Windex and scrubbing all the front-porch grime off the windows and the sills, my 11 year old, little miss smarty pants, asks what’s with all the cleaning lately?  I said, “Oh, I don’t know- I guess it’s just spring and people get to cleaning in the spring.

To which she replied, “Well, you didn’t last year.”

And that made me a little testy.  I asked her if it was really necessary for her to take me to the table over everthing, because that really is what she does.

See, nothing gets by her and she calls me out on everything:

  • “Why are you just having a glass of wine for dinner?”
  • “You’re so cranky- did you stay up too late again?”
  • You haven’t paid me my allowance in three weeks.  Did you spend my money on bills again?”
  • “Just because my brother didn’t get a phone until he was 15 doesn’t mean that’s the way it should be for me, Mama.  Things are different now than they were when he was 11.”
  • “I have to have [the most expensive] Nikes because that’s what kids need.  You can’t understand  because when you were my age, they didn’t have Nikes, so you just don’t know what it’s like.”
  • “I need an i-pod touch because I would be able to stay out of your hair that way.  That’s why all the other kids’ parents get them i-pod touches and i-pads and Kindle Fires.  You should know this.
  • “For once, can’t we just buy something that’s not used or on clearance?”

I feel like I am on a reality show with this kid watching everything I do- it’s like she’s even got a camera inside my head.

Meanwhile, my son has dropped in from college for the summer.

And just like when he arrived the first time 19 years ago, I’ve got a lot of adjusting to do:

  • The door to his room is permanently closed, where I’d had it open earlier because I had the room clean because no one but the cat went in there. But now there are clothes draped about.  The curtains haven’t been opened, in spite of the newly-cleaned windows.  The bed has been made, but only sort of.  There’s trash in there.
  • His stuff is all over the house- and most notably, his jewelry making supplies have taken over the kitchen- which really works out for me on the one hand because he’s making a lot of beautiful jewelry for me, and on the other hand, well, the kitchen is a bit hard to navigate:
  • He likes to play his music perhaps a little loud for my taste.
  • Just as I am about to go into our one and only bathroom, he seems to think the exact same thing about a split second before I do.
  • He leaves his wet towel on the bed.
  • He sometimes leaves food in the sink.
  • He keeps a different schedule than I do and likes to watch TV late into the night.
  • He seems vaguely aware of my presence in the house.
  • He’s using my car.
  • When I got in the car the other day, I found that he had changed my CD.  And that’s just crossing the line.
  • So basically, I have a roommate who’s stolen my car.

Now if, as you read this, you realize that you would do things differently as a parent and you say to yourself, “My child would never…” then I assure you that your child most definitely will do that thing that you are so certain will not happen on your watch.

Better take it back right now, before it’s too late.

If you say to yourself as you read this, “Well, she wouldn’t be having that problem with her kids if she would just…,” well then you just ordered up for yourself a heaping plate of your own words to eat.

You will be smote by the forces of the universe for asserting your superiority, however innocently.

Parenting is eat up with traps, the hardest one to avoid being one that makes you a great parent when you don’t have kids and lands you anxiously awaiting cocktail hour if you do have kids.

So take a load off and don’t even consider parenting if you are faint of heart or weak of spirit, stomach, or resolve.

Because compared to the parenting, even the Iditorod is nothing but a sprint.

Now, go call your folks and say something nice.

 

 

 

More great posts:

Thank You, Amendment One, For The Ass-kicking- Let The Wild Rumpus Begin

Ten Things That My Dashboard Hula Girl’s Accident Taught Me

Excuse Me, Forty- What Did You Just Say To Me?

21 Little-known Secrets That Only I Will Tell You About Taking Your First Cruise

 Posted by on June 12, 2012 14 Responses »
Jun 072012
 
The Shiny Butter Blog

You see, in spite of the fact that my wardrobe appears to be incompatible with the camping lifestyle (not to be confused with “the gay lifestyle,” whatever that is), I like to camp.

And I’m here to tell you: it’s easier to put on a dress in a tent than it is long pants.

I’m also here to tell you that even when camping, you won’t see me wearing sneakers as everyday shoes.  To me, they are specialty-use only, meant for actual exercise- or yard work.

So… in preparation for this year’s Memorial Day camping trip to the Virginia Women’s Music Festival, tucked away in central Virginia, first I did my pedicure- and then I chose my shoes: a fancy little pair of flat thongs that my sister brought home from her exotic travels to Indonesia (yes, flats!), a quirky pair of black platform thongs, and my Frye boots.

So very practical.

I also took my lucite-heeled mules strictly for my Friday evening as MC on stage.  Not too bad for grass and dirt walking, though admittedly not ideal.  I was certainly not under the impression that I would do any major camping in these shoes.

See- I’m luxury-minded, yet still very practical.

Just for Friday night

(Note: This post is my longest ever!  I won’t be offended if you hang up on me BUT maybe you’ll sit back, put your feet on your desk, and read on because you are, deep down, oh so very curious.)

Because I spent a period of time a while back as a minimalist camper carrying as little as possible, we used to camp in a sharp and snappy little 4-person backpacker’s tent (which we all know is really only for two people).

But these days, while a certain member of our party is a backpacker- that’s her story and she’s sticking to it- the rest of us have sworn off little tents.

GF and I have graduated to an 8-person Coleman Taj-Ma-Tent (with a hinged door!) that we keep borrowing from a couple of cool friends who’ve graduated to the next level- a pop-up camper.  I can see us going pop-up eventually, but that could mean giving up the nice sites that only tent campers get, so we’re weighing the pros and cons.

Anyhoo, on our annual trip to “CampOut,” we once again lounged in the Taj-Ma-Tent, only this time we didn’t even share it like we’d done before.  We had the place to ourselves!

Yes, that’s right; two of us in an 8-person tent.

Still, though, a certain unnamed camper one-upped us this year with her brand-new 9-person Taj-Ma-Tent with two hinged doors.  It was like a department store, that tent.

But I’m telling you, this big-tent thing is the life:

A hinged walk-on-in door, a queen-sized mattress with a rug at the foot and room for our matching Vera Bradley* duffle bags, a bed-side table (alright- an upside down crate), and space to walk around.

The lap of luxury.

(*Um… for the record, we got 100% reliable info from a member of our party that Vera Bradley’ sister- who is friends with our friend- has a fabulous girlfriend of many years!  Who knew?)

Anyway, we all joined forces in a group site called “Woody,” which meant that we had a minimum of eight campers, which pretty much discourages minimalism if you think about it.

Our site, ready-made with hammock

Yep, we’ve moved on.

Give me a Taj-Ma-Tent and a village of friends, a Coleman stove complete with frying pans and a tea kettle , multiple coolers, a screened-in kitchen, and a well-stocked bar ANY day.

The kitchen & bar

To further illustrate the level of luxury on this camping trip, the folks at CampOut offer up three kick-ass meals a day plus snacks, hot-water-under-the-stars-showers-with-adjacent-flowerbeds, pre-set-up campsites (tent and all!), air mattress blow-up services, ice delivery, and trash pick-up- and they’ll even haul your stuff to your site for you.

Yes, I’m talking five-star camping here.

We’ve arrived to this festival a day early three years in a row now, which I totally recommend for the relaxation factor.  The festival music starts Friday night and for the second year, I was fortunate to hang out backstage with the uber-cool stage crew and stars and then get on stage as Friday night’s MC.

Call me Coco Q.

FRIDAY NIGHT: First up for music was the talent-rich, crazy-fun and funny Jamie Anderson, followed by a smooth and pretty duo with cool guitars, Driftwood Fire.  The wild-haired Australian with the mighty voice, Martine Locke and two her sexy drummers wrapped up the evening with some big, fun energy.

Fortunately, Martine let everyone know that Act #1, Jamie Anderson, was giving away free drinks all weekend back at her site.

This seemed to come as a surprise to Jamie.

Later there was a dance with proud new mom, DJ Michelle.  She was playing lots of techno dance music- or at least I think that’s what it was- and my GF and I sidled over to the DJ’s booth and asked for some oldies.  She looked at us like we were, well, old, at which point Carla of the CampOut staff tells me, “Hey, suck it up!  You’re practically staff- you’ve got to play with the team- we’ve got young people here now!!”

She put me in my place, that Carla did.

SATURDAY began with CampOut staffer, Kari’s new project, the first-ever CampOut 5K, a treacherous, yet lovely, trail run/walk through forests, by flower beds, along Lake Towanda and a muddy bank or two, up a steep hill with a sign saying, “Make this hill your bitch,” and finally wrapping up by the camp kitchen, a beaming Kari draping each runner and walker with her handmade CampOut medals and offering free beer, which few took her up on, though the water was popular.

The coveted CampOut 5K medal

GF ran the course and even beat her last 5K time, which surprised us both, given the rugged terrain and the hills, which she is most assuredly not accustomed to here at sea level.

She also beat quite a few other runners, not that that mattered to her as much as it did to me.

Now, sound checks are part of the loveliness that is being in the “Woody” site so close to the stage- such a tease.  And with Kris, the sound genius at command central, I have yet to hear better music quality at any event- outdoors or in.

I’m telling you, the woman’s got a gift.

Music began that morning with the lovely and crystal-voiced guitar player, Christie Lenee, followed by Nancy Beaudette totally belting out her right-on, full-out creations and throwing in a real oldie for a sing-along- “Georgie Girl” (remember that?!)  Then our favorite couple of Jersey girls, Virago, let loose on some fiery love and justice songs.

We then took an afternoon break for a hay ride down to Lake Towanda.

Headed to Lake Towanda

Luckily we located our favorite air-mattress from years past and a few of us floated on it for hours.  I was in the middle so I was freed up from steering or paddling and could concentrate on sunbathing.

What a princess.

SATURDAY NIGHT‘s music started with a creative couple of gals called nervous but excited playing what they refer to as “pleasantly aggressive folk music.”  Then the peace-loving, crowd-pleasing, get-your-passion-on Sonia & disappear fear got us feeling all great about everything.

The pace took a turn toward party when Sister Funk came flying onto stage before dark and played at full tilt into the night, and finally, the Saturday night dance party of all dance parties commenced, led by the incredibly versatile rock-n-roll party band, Wicked Jezabel who played for two high-energy hours without coming up for air.

Wicked Jezabel

Sister Funk

Meanwhile there’s a bonfire every night for the fire sitters to gather ’round.

And new this year, there were light-up hula hoops and my GF had her first-ever hula hoop success. I’m telling you, milestone after milestone this year!

GF and the light-up hula hoop

SUNDAY started with sound checks and then Martine Locke took the stage as MC and started egging on Jamie Anderson and fellow MC and musician Christy Snow, to the point where the two of them rushed the stage and started chasing her around while Martine thought she could hide behind a column.

Of course we could all see her.

The beautiful Crys Matthews then started Sunday’s music off with her sexy voice and tight, gutsy ballads and was followed up by one of the most amazing singers I’ve ever heard live, Veronika Jackson, whose voice I was supposed to have gotten- I have a feeling that this woman’s voice could blow out whole sound systems.

In the evening the ever-powerful good-time trio with the three big voices, Mama’s Black Sheep filled the stage.  Indigie Femme, a creative force with a Navajo singer and a drummer whose smile lights up the whole campground, wrapped up their set and the festival with an all-out celebration of musicians that they brought to the stage.

Enjoying the music

After the day’s music, we headed down to the lake for a Memorial Day celebration and floated candlelit wooden disks festooned with American and rainbow flags in honor of our military family and friends.  So beautiful.

Memorial Day at Lake Towanda

After Friday night’s techno dance party experience, which was not our cup of tequila, we decided to skip Sunday night’s dance and have a fire at our site, since we had a fire ring down at Woody and all.

We passed on the s’mores and went far more gourmet, as one of the truly industrious in our group decided to fill banana halves with chocolate and mini-marshmallows- she cut the bananas crosswise, left them in the skin with a slice down the center and then wrapped the stuffed treasures in foil.  She set them over hot coals.

We smelled them while they cooked- and we waited.

When they were done, she unwrapped these decadent little desserts, showered them with a few extra mini-marshmallows “just for garnishing purposes,” and of course we ate not only the elegant grilled chocolate bananas, but also the garnish.

So, sitting around the fire laughing and BS-ing, you can imagine our surprise when what do we hear coming from up at the pavilion where the dance is taking place?  Yes, you are correct- oldies.  Brick House, Play That Funky Music White Boy, You Sexy Thing, YMCA, We Are Family, and a Donna Summer must-hear, Last Dance.

We just shook our heads.  Was Sunday “senior night” and we didn’t know it?

MONDAY came all too quickly.  We lolligagged out of our luxurious beds and started breaking up housekeeping, but of course not without a proper breakfast of omelets, biscuits, and fresh fruit.

Our breakfast chef licking her fingers

One last luxurious meal.

After a frustrating go of it on Thursday, I managed to back our trailer smoothly down the windy path into our site.  We packed everything up in record time, filled out our surveys, gathered our snacks, stopped by the port-a-janes for good measure, said our good-byes, loaded all our new CDs from the weekend, and sadly pointed our rig homeward.

We were on the road for less than 30 minutes before we started talking about next year’s trip, planning what to pack, what else might add practical luxury to our experience, who else to invite, and wondering if we should stay through Tuesday next time to help clean up after the big party?

Oh, to prolong the magic…

 

 

Other (shorter) posts for you to enjoy:

To Courtney: Why I Ignored Your Friend Request On Facebook

Thank You, Amendment One, For The Ass-Kicking

Bucking The System, The Early Years

 

 

 Posted by on June 7, 2012 11 Responses »
Jun 062012
 
The Shiny Butter Blog

No doubt the Republican Party feels pretty bitter right about now.

Mitt Romney.  Not exactly what anyone had in mind, I’m sure.

They had so little to choose from and it all went from worse to worse-r.

Now they’re stuck with him.  Arrogant, spineless, clueless, elitist, and evidently in possession of very creative recall of his past.

And he’s all theirs.

I’d say they’ve been dealt a pretty poor hand, wouldn’t you?  So, with a necessary poker face, they’re doing the best they can with what they’ve got, because folding’s not an option.  So they’re lying, cheating, biting, scratching, and pulling hair.

For the sake of me making my point, let’s just say that everything the Obama-bashers say about President Obama is correct and that replacing him is of the utmost urgency…

This guy would actually be worse.

I think that deep down, they know it and they fear it.  The Republicans are between a rock and a hard place here.  While their single goal has been to drop-kick Obama jobless into the middle of Connecticut Avenue with his wife and kids and dog, they most assuredly did not picture it like this.

Mitt Romney is a robber-baron, steeling from the little people to make the big people bigger and leave the little people scrambling with their ticky-tacky lives.

He’s so beyond the rest of us that he’s probably never run out of toilet paper or put $5 of gas in his car.

Sure, his wife has raised a bunch of kids and we all know that that’s not a job for slackers, but she doesn’t have a clue about doing her job, her housekeeper’s job, and her husband’s job all at the same exact time and having to choose between buying the new season’s soccer uniform for her kid or paying out of her uninsured pocket for her $100 prescription that the pharmacy keeps calling to say is ready for pick up.

The Romneys not only don’t count as ordinary Americans, they don’t make the wealthy ones look so good, either.

And Mitt Romney is not only a rotten egg of politician (a la his record as Governor of Massachusetts), he’s a heartless mercenary whose goals, should he become The President, include things like eradicating thousands of public sector jobs and social programs because they’re all such a big drain on the system.  This is all part of his “plan” to get the nation’s debt under control- eliminate lots of jobs and see to it that the people having trouble pulling themselves up by their threadbare bootstraps get put out onto the street and stop costing the government so damned much money.

But I digress.

I’m just saying that Republicans and/or Obama haters ought to seriously be looking for a Plan B, ’cause Plan Romney sucks.

 

More posts- similar as well as completely irrelevant:

Thank You, Ammendment One For The Ass Kicking- Let The Wild Rumpus Begin

What Good Is Stupid If You’re Not Gonna Use It?

Good Wine, A Great Sale, Cheap Gas, And A Chilly Wind

My Dashboard Hula Girl And Her Horrific Accident

 

 

 Posted by on June 6, 2012 4 Responses »
Jun 022012
 
The Shiny Butter Blog

I was 16 and working my first job at AAA giving out maps and making “triptiks” for travelers. My mom got me the job, so I should have been more gracious, but no-o-o-o-o, I couldn’t stand the way the boss-lady would nitpick me and find things wrong no matter what I did.

What was her problem?

I found myself constantly in a position to speak out when something wasn’t right. It’s the way I’m made- justice-minded with little impulse control.

I know you know this.

Boss-lady’s husband also worked at the AAA, but we rarely heard a peep out of him, so looking back, I think she had him squashed like an acorn on the sidewalk.  Clearly, I did not know my place.

So boss-lady and I butted heads.

After getting myself into yet another workplace pickle, a nice redheaded co-worker named Patty took me into the lunch room one day, shut the door behind us, leaned in close, and let me in on a little secret, that if I wanted to have a better experience at work:

“DON’T BUCK THE SYSTEM.”

That was news to me and what I considered bullshit advice, except that I didn’t know to call it that at the time.  I liked Patty- it was just too bad she had that little backbone problem.

Now, I actually liked the job at AAA and learned a lot about back roads and highways and people who couldn’t read maps, but I gotta say, my next job, working at the Roy Rogers, was a lot more fun, what with the cute little bandana skirts and cowboy hats we wore, and telling the drive-thru customers to:

“Drive around and round ‘er up!”  

And besides, El Jefe at the Roy Rogers was a nice guy with no ax to grind, no chip on his shoulder, no issues with me personally- and he smiled a lot. And the food was free and good- a big plus for me.

If I’d had any foresight at 16 years old, I would have seen that unreasonable bosses would never be a good fit for me and that I would never be meek and know my place, making me perhaps not the best employee out there.

I would have seen that bucking the system is not the easy road.

But bucking the system is what gets these opinionated blog posts out of my system in spite of having something important to do, it’s what keeps me from turning on the TV for my kids, it’s what makes me insist on a preferably-hot, sit-down breakfast every day, it’s what gets me a good table at a restaurant when the hostess tries to seat me by the bathroom, it’s what makes me wear make-up when I’m camping, and it’s what keeps me from being anyone’s ho.

So yeah, that was bullshit advice from Patty back when I was 16.

Bless her heart.

 

More good great posts:

Thank You, Amendment One, For The Ass-Kicking- Let The Wild Rumpus Begin

I Hated Dodge Ball Then. I Still Hate Dodge Ball

Christmas Letters- Why Bother, And Is There Hope?

 

 Posted by on June 2, 2012 8 Responses »
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