A Closer Look At My Descent Into Dashboard Hula Girl Induced Madness

Apr 132012
 

Wearing nothing more than a coconut shell bikini top and thong underwear, this dashboard hula girl is clearly no stranger to high temperatures inside the car, to the extent that she has completely abandoned her skirt.  She’s shameless, this one.

But she’s practical.

She was spotted on a very warm and sunny day at the Hardees in Surf City. I wanted to get a good close-up, but I didn’t want to put myself in the position of having to explain my recent obsession with dashboard hula girls, so I chose not to go inside and look for the owner/enabler of this Victoria’s Secret wannabe of a dashboard hula girl.

Instead, I stealthily snuck around the car like paparazzi to get pictures while half-blinded by the bright glare on the windows, so my pictures have a definite stalker feel to them.

As I snapped away at this brazen girl, I thought about Fernanda, my own dashboard hula girl- who is still suffering from cheap-glue-itis- and I wondered, Could Fernanda ever just ditch her skirt like that?

I easily came to the conclusion that no, Fernanda would not go around looking like that hussy.

First, Fernanda does not have this girl’s figure (just look at Fernanda; she’s wearing granny pants, not a thong), and second, Fernanda has that embarrassing and unsightly mess of glue- leftover from her accident- all around her spring area, and third, I suspect that Fernanda is a tad conservative and doesn’t care how they do things in Surf City.

Meanwhile, direct from Hawaii, my brother-in-law sends me a very tempting photo of a whole shelf full of brand-new dashboard hula girls. You may be surprised to learn that until that photo arrived, I had not considered replacing Fernanda.

It kinda’ breaks my heart a little now that it’s occurred to me.

The Southerner in me wants to stick by Fernanda, no matter how little hope there is, but the 21st century consumer in me wants to just send for a new mail-order hula girl, slap her on the dashboard, and drive already.

But it’s not that easy, because like I said, I’m a little obsessed right now. I don’t know if I just need some advice here, or maybe a few minutes of professional help, or if I need to be taken to a big farm where a nice plump lady wearing an apron and making biscuits can take care of me.

Or maybe I just need to get a grip, for God’s sake, and shake off the delusional notion that dashboard hula girls give a flying fudge brownie what I think.

I mean, it’s possible that Fernanda would just as soon have me stay the hell out of her business at this point.

And that just makes me feel used.

 

 

 Posted by on April 13, 2012 2 Responses »

A Minimalist Guide To Facebook Maintenance

Apr 042012
 

Dear Ryan Halstead,

In your defense, I can understand that you may have been unaware of my stance on Facebook friends.

But the picture you posted on Facebook today, the one that was photo-shopped to portray the President as anti-American… no explanation to actually prove anything, just a “See, there you go, Just-Say-No” kind of thing?

That is why I unfriended you.

When we were at the high school reunion this past summer, next thing I knew, I had accepted friend requests from people I hardly remembered, even after I looked them up in the yearbook. It seemed like a good idea at the time, such was the spell that showing up at my high-school reunion for the first time in 30 years had cast on me. That and the leopard dress and lucite shoes I wore.

Ryan, you were one of these vaguely familiar people from the high school reunion.

And since friends on Facebook tend to accumulate quickly, I admit that I now do routine maintenance on my friend list.

I’m hovering at around 200 friends right now, Ryan, which tells me that it’s time to do some housecleaning. I figure that by unfriending someone whose posts make me want to smack the computer screen…

I’m doing all of Facebook a favor, sort of like paying if forward.

Because once I did get into an ugly and getting-uglier exchange by responding to a hateful post on a friend’s wall from some woman who used Sarah Jessica Parker’s picture in place of her own. After a few posts back and forth I realized that she was eat up with meanness and I was in a lose-lose situation, so finally I told her that she had washed out to sea for me.

I wanted to throttle her.

I realized that the same thing could happen on my wall, instigated by someone whose friendship I’d accepted, only to discover that no, we are not friends after all.  So given the choice between offending you by unfriending you- or offending those I choose to keep on my friend list, I’ll unfriend in the blink of an eye.

You know, for the greater good.

So, Ryan, while I understand that you may not have been aware that I am just this side of ruthless with my Facebook friend list, I still want you to know that I am disappointed in you.

I am disappointed that you don’t seem to think for yourself. That you’ve bought into forming allegiances based on fear and peer pressure, that your politics and religion both seem to be rooted in dogmatic rules about who is Good and who is Bad.

And I am disappointed that you trust Fox News.

I thought when we left high school that we were all going forth to grow into magnificent individuals, that we would change the world with our open-minded and bright outlooks. I did not foresee that some would trade in the soaring spirit of youth to become fearful and stagnate.

So I’ve become protective of my little Facebook home.

I see no reason to extend my hospitality to fear, ugly accusations, prejudice, stupidity, or meanness. Not that you meant all that back when I was still seeing your posts, but if you’re actually a more loving person than what you were posting on Facebook, just let me know in 10 years at the next reunion.

I’ll be happy to re-friend you should I find that you’ve put your thinking cap back on.

 

 

More good stuff:

To Courtney: Why I Ignored Your Friend Request On Facebook

My Dashboard Hula Girl And Her Horrific Accident

Ten Things That My Dashboard Hula Girl’s Accident Taught Me

 

 Posted by on April 4, 2012 8 Responses »
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